Just like every other...

So during the holidays shepherd community center transforms into a huge Christmas store for the program kids' parents to come and Christmas shop for them. So over the past three days loads and loads of boxes filled with donated toys and games were lugged in and sorted. Rooms were filled from floor to ceiling with gift options. The rooms were divides by age and gender and volunteers came from across the city to help. Each family got a time to come in to shop. They were matched with volunteers who came in to take them around to he rooms to shop. Each child got a big gift, a big game, small game, underwear, socks, hats, gloves, two small toys, two stuffed animals, and a book, all of which they get wrapped and carries to their car. It really is an amazing thing. I helped the families shop and I was able to see the parents get excited for what they were now able to get for their kids. I'm honestly so excited for my kids to open their stuff. Before today, it kind of made me sad to think about Christmas for them. I remember how special Christmas was for me growing up and even though the season isn't about gifts, it's so special for a kid to get surprised with somehow new, and before today I wasn't sure they were going to get anything. The other day a volunteer group brought gifts for my after school kids and they absolutely flipped...they were so excited and thrilled for one little toy! It makes me so happy to think about their faces on Christmas now!

I am honestly impressed by the quality of the store shepherd has created. Thugs like iPods and other huge name brand things were brought in! One of my supervisors once told us that they had advertised for donations and mentioned things like electronics and nice things...and he said they asked why kids from poverty need thing like that. The answer? These kids are just like any other kid and they deserve fun and happiness too! Today I got to see that happen!

Blurred lines?

My roommates and I took two of my eighth grade girls to see the new Disney movie Tangled tonight. And I will admit, it was fun! The girls had asked one day after class if I was allowed to go out with them outside of school...they said they already asked their moms and they'd sign a permission slip if needed but that they really wanted to go see this movie. Honestly, the rules are a but fuzzy for me too but I covered my bases and told em yes. So after a long day at work with lots of stress but a very good Christmas program done by my after school kids...we picked each of them up, went out to mcdonalds, and then the movies. I struggle with the friend/teacher boundary especially within this ministry. I know how important it is to have respect but I also have learned it doesn't matter how much respect you have...they need to know you care before they truly start listening. So I took this risk knowing very well it could blow up in my face tomorrow. But for the time being it was fun to joke around and be real with them. It was so crazy to see just how much they really are kids despite the grown-up front they put on all the time. They enjoyed the movie and joked about it after all giggly and everything. I will admit I wouldn't have taken just any kid out but these girls have a great respect as well as friends line. I know tomorrow morning they will be in class on time, homework done, and ready to work all the while calling me Miss Campbell. So for now this is ministry to me...I may be blurring some lines but in the long run who knows, it could make a difference.

What makes it worth it

This evening I had one of the most memorable moments in my life. Amongst the chaos of kids losing book bags, tuna surprise dinner, and every other challenge which encompasses a typical Tuesday...one of my boys, a boy I have grown to love and care for, as well as occasionally want to hang by his toes in frustration, accepted Christ. He has always been one of those kids who just knew the right "Bible" answers but today he really got it. A light bulb went on :) our children's pastor at my after-school program site gave a Bible lesson and afterwards encouraged the kids to ask questions if they had them and he did. I almost cried when he told me! He got a huge hug. When his mom came in and he told her his news she instantly started crying. Now this is a woman I've come to admire. She loves these boys and she loves God with all she has! There's not a day that goes by that she doesn't come in to pick up her boys sharing just how good God is and how much she owes to him. And today I saw her love even more! She cried and gave all of us staff huge hugs of joy and thanks. And it was then that she said she has been praying so hard for her boys to know Christ and that is what we are there for...to show those kids Christ's love! I will never forget this night. This is why I do what I do! Today I got a little brother! And I love him very much!

I didn't ask--He is good!

So we officially have two weeks left with the kids before holiday break and therefore, two weeks left of the semester. Thinking back, the first thoughts I have about this semester all relate to the idea that dang, it has been a rough start to the year. I say all this with a side note attached saying that I am so thankful for my internship and for what God is doing with me thus far. However, the struggles I’ve faced, physically, spiritually, and emotionally I would never have predicted, let alone desire to go through. I started off my second time at Shepherd hit in the face with disappointment, not in my job, but in the fact that things weren’t exactly the same as they were when I came here my first summer. And for some reason, I had that notion in my head that it would be, people and all. This same feeling progressed as I started to learn a little bit more about myself and how I work, recharge from a crazy day, or even find hope in my week. Who knew being around people all the time can drain a person. I found myself thinking about what I do and wanting so much, to not get stuck in routine but to actually be getting something out of what I’m doing here. I started this internship with the hope that God would give me direction in my life. Where am I going next? What does He want me to do? And I think lately I’ve been so busy focusing on that idea that I’m missing what God is actually doing with me here—right now. I was reminded of this yesterday after my weekly Bible study when bam, God answered a prayer I hadn’t even necessarily given over to Him, but in fact harbored for myself. It’s amazing to think that even despite my own stubbornness and lack of communication with Him, He still manages to pull through.

I have a lot of stress in my job—to make it blunt. I found myself teaching subjects I never would have imagined I would be teaching. I have been struggling, thinking I’m not even qualified to be in the position I’m in. I teach math, geography, and health (as well as English, but I’m more comfortable with that one). It’s so out of my element that I find myself having to do the homework too or I’ve been googling terms and concepts before class starts and I have to teach it. I’ve always been an organized person. I like to plan things out and know, in advance, what I’m going to do, how it’s going to work, and so on. And with this job, I feel like I’m having to do the opposite. Flexibility and working on-the-fly have become, as much as I resist, second-nature. I feel bad admitting to this, but it’s gotten so bad that I know I’m not giving 100% in preparation or even execution of lesson plans. I feel like I’m getting burned out somewhat, not to the extreme of never seeing or working with kids again, but to the point where I just need a refreshing time to brainstorm, plan, and just relax.

This is where God met me.

With all this stress for this semester, I’ve started to fill it even more thinking about next semester. Knowing what I’ve had to deal with so far, how it’s made me feel, how tired I am all the time, etc, I feel so much weight for next semester. And it’s even harder thinking that my best friend has to go back to school to finish her year off. But…God is good. I found out yesterday a lot of things are going to change. I’m not going to be required to teach anything but English. One of my great friends is coming along side of me on staff to create this super supportive team to combat these middle schoolers and their apathy. I’ve been shown that I’m not alone, that I don’t have to carry everything on my shoulders. For the first time in a few months, I am excited about the logistics of my job. Again, I don’t want it to sound like I hate my job, I don’t. In fact I love my kids more than anything and they’re the ones pushing me through, but now I’m actually into the idea of being a teacher. I have so many ideas that I feel like I can now pull off because I’ve been given some relief and support. Working with the middle school kids has really opened my eyes to how they see the world and more specifically learning and school. I don’t want them to just see it as busy work, which is sadly what we’ve been doing. I want them to see a connection to the world and their life. And I’m hoping, I have this great feeling, this is going to happen.

Psalm 91: 10-12, 14—Evil can’t get close to you, harm can’t get through the door. He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling.

“If you hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.”

Again, I’m still learning this simple step—to know and trust Him. He is so patient with me and I am so grateful for His love and looking out.

Thanksgiving in perspective

I woke up this morning kinda grumbly at the thought that I'd volunteered on my day off, to deliver individual thanksgiving meals, when in all reality all I wanted to do was stay nestles in my warm bed and dreams. But I got up and trekked down to the community center loaded up a car and was on my way to give out these turkey and mashed potato containers. It wasn't until this elderly lady barely made it to her door to receive her meals that my heart started to thaw. She was so feeble and disheveled yet the look in her eyes, I could tell she had drive. She fumbled to reach for the two meals she had signed up for and thanked us with a thick almost German accent. After delivering our meals we went back to the center and this man came in asking for food. We had, at this time, already given out all our meals and only had one left. He looked at me while the others went to wrap up his meal and said he didn't know what he was going to do...he had six mouths to feed. While the others looked for the left overs he started sharing how his baby mama just left him and he didn't even know his kids name. He said he had just moved to Indiana after Katrina hit. That he had been on his roof during Katrina for seven days and had to pull this little girl from next door, that he had babysat, out of the water dead. He said he was still in counseling over that. And yet, after all this he goes on to say he goes to the local technical college and is studying to be a counselor . He said he has been through a lot but he wants to give back. After all he had been through...he too wanted to give back. And her I was grumbly in having to get up. A part of me hates those moments...where I'm slapped in the face and told to stop complaining and look at life, but another part is so thankful to be put in my place. I will never for get that man or his story. And this thanksgiving I'm thankful for him and his light.

No one should...

There are some things that are always in the back of your mind but never really come forward unless something happens. For example, I know I’m working in the inner-city. I things are not necessarily always safe. I know my kids are exposed to things that kids should not ever have to be exposed to. I know all of this, but it is rare that I sit and really think about. For one thing, it just wouldn’t get me anywhere; it’s a sad and harsh reality. But today was one of those days where it was brought forward. In one of my 7th grade classes today a boy decided it was ok to throw around some pretty vulgar and degrading words to another individual—words that for one thing, he should not know, and for another, cut rather deep for anyone. And he didn’t care how it made this young man feel. It amazes me because I know he probably heard some authority figure in his life say these things. I mean, how many kids are influenced and nurtured by what they hear at home…we all are. Ten minutes later I’m confiscating a safety pin from a girl who is cutting herself with it. Then I’m discussing how to better relieve the stresses of life, how to cope with a crappy home life to a 12-year-old girl who should be at worrying about nothing less that what she wants to do for fun with her friends after school. Scary stuff! On days like this it really makes me stop and wonder what life is like for them. I begin to wonder about the affects I, as well as programs I’m involved with, have on these kids. The world is sneaking in on them and it really breaks me apart to hear and see what they have to deal with. The things these kids are exposed to, no adult, let alone kid, should ever have to experience.

Reflecting after frustration

These past two weeks have definitely been a blur! Let’s just say I’m tired of being in a car and am envying those who profess ‘home-body-iness’. Two weekends ago, a few friends and I went to Kansas to visit some fellow summer project-ers from this past summer. Although it was about an eight-hour drive, it was so good to see people and reconnect. I will admit that this summer was a lot different than I anticipated and at points, I found myself comparing to the summer prior, which didn’t always do me any good but in fact hindered some bonding and other experiences. But despite those hurdles, I do think I managed to connect to a hand full of people who genuinely make me happy and excited to be around. We got to watch How to Train your Dragon, undebatably one of the best movies ever. We got a campus tour of Kansas State, which was a beautiful campus! We ate at some local places, which were fun, and always make me feel local J But then, a highlight, we went to Pillsbury Crossing, which was a this small-scale water falls/creek/river/out of doors experience. We walked barefoot across rocks, played in the water, and sat and just talked. One of the guys we went to see caught us up on his life. It was so cool to hear how passionate he is about things in his life. He sees this need in his community and he wants to make it happen, only he doesn’t know how to start, which is always the issue I think. So we talked some stuff out, but just hearing about his heart and whatnot really inspired me. I want to find an area of need and run with some ideas. So since then, I too have been coming up with a list of my own. After we left that Sunday, he said he didn’t realize how much he missed everyone from the summer and just how much he got from the summer experience. For me that put things into perspective. I definitely learned things this summer, don’t get me wrong, but for me it was more so challenging than anything else. It was great for me to see that for some people, God was able to move and do great things for them in experiences I personally was tried in as well.

This past weekend we went to various colleges to recruit new summer interns for this coming up summer. My group of three went to Cincinnati Christian University and then Mt. Vernon Nazarene University. This trip totaled sevenish hours in a car and over 500 miles. It was definitely trying on a person. Recruiting, I wouldn’t say, is something I find joy in. I’ve always thought it difficult to sale someone something. And although I’ve had experience with the internship and what not, it was still not exactly easy. But we were able to get a good number of people interested in receiving more information about the opportunities here at Shepherd. At Mt. Vernon we had the chance to share a story that we had from either the summer or the year so far. Lately, I’m going to be honest, work has frustrated me in more ways than I knew were possible. Whether its logistics, or discipline, or even just the multitude of meetings, I’ve become somewhat irritated. I’ve definitely had to devote a lot of time to God to fix my attitude and work on my heart and this was definitely him telling me to look at what he has done. When asked to share a story all I could think about was this one boy I’ve had for two years now. He’s one that has for sure, been a challenge every single day, but I love him none the less. At camp this summer I had the privilege of having this young man in my class…and every day we had to go out in the hallway and have a chat about how to react to certain situations when we get angry and what is appropriate and what isn’t. Every day we talked about how it doesn’t matter what other people think of us, the only thing that matters is what we think of ourselves and what God thinks of us. Some days I felt like I wasn’t getting through. I’d sit there holding his fists so he wouldn’t bruise them on the walls and other days he’d sit up, stop crying, and before I even asked him, he’d tell me that all that mattered was what God thought and that he shouldn’t have reacted that way. Everyday was an adventure. Well one day we took the kids to this camp where they got to do zip lines and rock walls and what not. Well my little friend wasn’t in my assigned group that week and he had a hard time. One day his leader came to me crying about how to handle him and that he wouldn’t listen and when she tried to discipline him he didn’t respond and he ran from her. After comforting her and just explaining his circumstance I went to find him. He was huddled under the coat rack, as mad as could be. I sat beside him and started asking questions. In that next fifteen minutes I learned more about his past than I had in the two years of working with him and everything, all of our interactions and the way he responded began to make sense. He told me about how he was in foster care and then adopted because his mom abused him. He told me about how every time he hears an adult yell at him he thinks of her. He told me how she makes him so angry but he knew deep down he could never do anything about it because it was his mom, and moms had the last say in things. He told me that instead of listening he couldn’t, he just got angry and couldn’t control his actions. He was scared, he didn’t want to think of his mom, but the yelling always brought her back into his head. Looking at him I just leaned over and gave him a hug. I know I’d been guilty as I’m sure his leader was of raising my voice to him. I had not idea what that did to him. But looking back, it all made sense. I told him I loved him. I told him that God loved him. And I told him that he was safe where he was.

After sharing this story and looking back on my experiences at Shepherd, all the frustration went away. I didn’t see the irritating little things but instead the work and relationships God was doing through me and for the kids. This is what the internship is all about and it took driving 500 miles and becoming a bit irritated to make me reflect and realize this.

Learning to handle fears

We finally finished our first book in my 7^th grade English class. When I say finally, I really mean finally! I never thought this day would come. And this is not for lack of work or anything like that, just for some reason it has taken us forever to get through it. Well instead of a final test, and inspired by a cheating streak in my lovely class, I made them do individual projects based on what they found interesting in the novel. They all picked a subject and researched on it in order to give a 2-minute presentation to the class. And I’m honestly impressed by their work on them. They’re all doing something different. I required them to find a topic, find enough informational facts that they find interesting to present to the class so we too can learn more, as well as make a visual of their choice. A lot of them are doing posters, powerpoints, or models of some sort. Tomorrow will be our first presentation day, and to my surprise, I think I’ll be impressed by the amount of effort these kids have put into their work. Honestly I’ve been discouraged lately by my observation of cheating on a number of assignments as well as just talk about not caring or how class is boring or not relevant. I personally try really hard to make it something of interest for them. Since I’m not fully educated in education and the proper way to teach, the least I can do is make class somewhat fun and interesting. I feel like I am growing as a teacher but its also teaching me so much about who I want to be.

Within the past few days I’ve had those “ah ha” moments. You know the ones that make you think, “heck no I know that’s not ok and I’m not going to accept it.” Just thinks like blatant disrespect and defiance toward adults have really made me realize my purpose in being here. This kid in my class, over the past week had become unbelievably defiant and rude. He walked into class today, sat down, told me he wasn’t going to do his work, kicked back in his chair, mocked me, and said I had no hold on him. That right there can really kick a person in the stomach. No, don’t worry, I didn’t just leave that one alone. I escorted him out and we discussed respect and boundaries and the rules I have for living in general, but I was just utterly shocked I would ever hear a person talk to another person like that. Which I know don’t seem to go together. But the more I see how these kids think, the more I realize why this ministry calls to me so much. It’s amazing for me to see the logic these kids have. And yes, I don’t agree, but I do see where they are coming from, their ways of thinking aren’t just from left field. If education has never done anything for anyone you know then why would you all of a sudden think it’s the most valuable thing in the world?! And I’m not saying that I know what’s best, not the more I learn the more I realize I don’t know as much as I think. But I do love the opportunity to enlighten these kids with things I too am just learning.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my passions and what not recently. Someone asked me what my values and passions were the other day and I couldn’t answer. I had to stop and think, and even then, I had to take out a pen and paper and mull over some things. But after a lot of consideration and really looking at what I feel my purpose is, I’ve come to some sort of conclusion. I know what I like. I know I want to help others, help society, have a sense of achievement, have an opportunity to use some sort of creativity, and to work for a good cause. I know I value time to grow spiritually. And I know I’m called to work in a big city. This doesn’t give me much direction to go on I know, but it does give me some sort of direction, or I at least know what I don’t want to do.

But I also know I have a lot of fears, not just about the future, but about failing with these kids or about not knowing how to help or what to do. But the cool thing is I’m learning to handle that fear.

Ps. 25:4—Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.

A New Start with Energy

There have been some rather, shall I say, interesting changes this past week. At after-school we got a new site supervisor. He isn’t “new” new; I worked with him last summer as an intern at BEACH (my site). So things in that realm have been shaken up a bit. We are starting fresh. I feel like we have a foundation now where we can truly focus on the goals of the after-school program. During one of our first meetings, he presented this new opportunity as a “cooperative” effort; meaning, yes, he will be the supervisor by title, but we will all carry our load and split it. I love this idea; first off, it gives us so much room to communicate ideas without stepping on people’s toes or unintentionally undermining. Three staff members run the BEACH after-school program. And during this meeting, he was very transparent about his expectations, his fears, and his desire for this to be something great. To be honest, I walked out of the meeting with such good energy that I was excited to do all the revamping work and planning. I want the program to be all it can be. But, I do know that there needs to be some work put into that as well. We are having our first end-of-the-week meeting tomorrow to discuss the week and assess what we want to improve. Together I feel like we have so many ideas!

A typical after-school program week goes something like this. On Mondays, we have dinner, homework/tutoring time, reading/journaling club, then Bible. Everyday is the same with the exception of the club time and who leads Bible time. Tuesdays we have music where the kids get to either do drum circles or learn songs for the family nights coming up in October. So far, the Wednesday options have consisted of friendship bracelets, legos/paper airplanes, and cooking. And Thursdays have been science days. This is a great foundation and I feel like it lets the kids look forward to certain activities as well as gives them variety, but I feel like it’s only a foundation. So much more could be done for it to be “amazing.” SPLAT is what the program is called and it stands for spiritual, physical, learning, arts, tutoring. So everything we do, we try to incorporate into these categories. Soon we are going to try and have a weekly verse the kids will learn that will hopefully help them learn God’s Word, but also become more familiar with the Bible.

I feel like I’m slowly getting to know my kids better with these changes as well. I feel like I’m able to have more fun with them and learn about where they’re at as well as what I can do to be there for them.

Today was a science day and we made slime with the kids. It was definitely one of the better days. Each kid got a pencil box and we made the slime out of glue, water, food coloring, and borax powder. They all ended up taking theirs home.

Monday the younger kids get to go to the Children’s Museum for a friendly haunted house while the older kids are going to stay back. My co-worker and I decided to have a fun day with the kids as well. We are going to try and have different Halloween stations for the kids. One I would love to do would be to give each kid a mini pumpkin and have them paint faces or designs on them, while the other would be a room with a giant spider web in which they had to find their way out by following the ropes to get a prize. 

I have my moments where I’m not sure why I’m doing what I’m doing because I’m too tired or too stressed, but the little moments where I find myself smiling and laughing with the kids while our hands are immersed in the slimiest goo and the tables are stained with food coloring, make it all worth it!

I’ve been struggling a bit lately with thinking about what the future holds and where I’m going to be after this year but good times like this really make me slow down and appreciate what I’m doing now. The future has always been daunting and maybe because it’s the first time in my life that I don’t have a plan, that I’m somewhat freaking out, I don’t know. A part of me just wants something long term to work on, don’t get me wrong, not for the lack of things to do or prepare. I just feel like I’ve always had some project going on whether it just be a paper due or the intent on graduating undergrad. Now it’s just me. I’m here working with these kids and I feel like I’m just standing in front of God saying, Ok God, what’s next. How do you want to use me? It’s a scary thing. But I’ve been amazed at where he’s brought me in just a year. I’ve been reading a through Proverbs lately and the whole pull between the world and God has really touched home. And maybe not even worldly things, but definitely a pull between being still and obedient to what God wants versus what I want. I guess it’s just one of those typical just-graduated-and-don’t-know-what-to-do-now phases. I just want to make sure I have drive and purpose in what I’m doing with my life! I don’t want to loose sight of that in the mix of stress and juggling so many things on my plate. J

Psalm 6:4—Turn, O Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love.   

Learning while teaching

I’m going to lie; the end of last week and the beginning of this week have been hard. I don’t know what it is, but attitude is starting to take over. Being here now for a while, I’ve become somewhat accustomed to dealing with attitude, so that’s not the problem. But something about constantly getting onto kids can bring a person down. I don’t want it to get to the point where I’m waking up every morning anticipating how I’m going to “crack down” on my kids.

Take today for instance. I teach a middle school English section. We’re reading a book that requires us to read some in class as well as some at home. And I remember how irritated I used to get at homework. It wasn’t that long ago I was up till all hours of the night working away, so I know when too much is too much. So let me say this first…I don’t give that much homework. I don’t give busy work either. So far it’s been one chapter and they have two days to complete it. So, it being Tuesday, they had Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night to read this one chapter, which consists of 7 pages. Did anyone read it? One person. One girl, read the chapter and filled out her summary worksheet. One person. This has happened before, so it wasn’t that I was surprised this could happen, I just had hope I guess. I had planned this collage/art activity that tied into the novel and I was already to break it to them that we didn’t have to read and we wouldn’t have homework…but, no one read. So, what did we do? We read all period to catch up. And did we? Nope, they still have homework. I felt a bit harsh, but to be honest, I was kind of mad. I feel like a big kid sometimes in that, I plan things for both them and the “educational” side of things, but I also plan it for me. I want to have fun too. Why not make it a team effort. I know I don’t have any teaching training, but I feel like I have a good balance on material they need to know and how to incorporate it into something constructive and enticing. I guess I’m still working to figure out how to get them all into what I’m teaching.

It’s interesting because the classroom dynamics are so different from summer camp. For one thing, in camp they could call me Miss Brit, or Miss Brit-Brat which caught on a bit more than I would have liked it to J In camp I could be that mentor type person to the kids. I could hear them out, help them in what they needed, lead activities, but also joke around and give them a hard time. In the class room, I’m Miss Campbell. This I never thought I’d hear. It’s been a month now since school started, and I’m still not used to it. I have some kids in my class that I used to have in camp who are so accustomed to calling me Miss Brit that it slips every once and a while and I have to get onto them. I keep saying, “its as weird for you as it is for me.”

I like the creativity and freedom I’ve been given in my job. As long as I cover some basic elements, I can teach whatever I want. But I’ve come to realize, I have to have boundaries being a teacher. I can’t joke around with them as much as I’m used to doing. I’ve got to be more to them than just a friend. In this role, friendship is almost secondary. And this is hard for me. I want to build relationships; I guess I just am learning a new way.

Still Awe-able, yes, yes I am...

You always hear people’s claims for the best. I have the best recipe for chili, I have the best restaurant you’ll have to try, or, in my case, I know where the best firework show is. So over my long-weekend my roommates and I traveled to Cincinnati to witness, what one of my roommates claimed to be, the best firework display ever. It was about an hour and a half drive from Indy to Cinci, but with a little bit of music, dj-ed by myself, of course, it wasn’t all that bad.


The fireworks were on Sunday night but man were they a big deal. We pulled in on Saturday afternoon and already people had tarps down, and areas reserved. The show was along the Ohio River, so people sat on the Kentucky side and the Ohio side while the fireworks were shot off from the bridges and barges. In my mind, and I’m sure I let it slip, I thought these people were insane. Who would go to this much work for fireworks?! We sat for about 3 hours waiting for them to begin. People had games, cards, I mean the works, waiting for this show. But when it finally did start, oh my goodness was I in awe. We were less than a football field away from them and you could feel the boom in your chest and the sparks lit up your eyes like it was daylight. They were magnificent. We sat between two bridges and they shot from both into the middle and up into the sky. They were massive, and diverse. There were the classic, but also lantern style, and twirlers, and cannon-ball like fireworks. Not only this, but it didn’t just end in ten minutes, no it went on for half an hour ending with their sponsors-names in a firework in the sky. It was by far, the BEST display of fireworks I have ever witnessed in my life. It was well worth the crowd, the 45 minute wait to get out of the parking garage and the occasional rude person.

So this got me thinking. Before Sunday night, I thought I had witnessed all that fireworks could offer. I assumed that with age came the inevitable numbness to things such as these—you’ve seen one show, you’ve seen them all. But boy was I wrong. It wasn’t until that night that in fact, I had seen the best show ever. So what about all those other shows? What about those other nights I walked back to the car in awe at what I had just seen? Does that mean those nights weren’t great? No not at all; it just means that there are still opportunities out there. There are still things that can shock and awe me beyond what I already know.

This past week I’ve come to notice I don’t have a good TAWG (time alone with God). I don’t make it a priority every day to sit down and really get into the Word. Not that in my head, I don’t justify my every action. Why? I couldn’t tell you. I have no excuse accept for utter laziness and lack of desire. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to read my Bible or pray, in fact, if I could I would take a full day and just do my own study. This past week someone asked me what I believe about Jesus. I could answer, so that’s good, but my answers were all Sunday-school/church answers. You know what I’m talking about, those kind of answers kids give when they’re not really listening to you. Jesus. God. The Bible. Noah. But it got me thinking about what I actually know about Jesus. I know enough to give someone a rough sketch but I teach wanting kids to know so much more. It just made me realize how much I don’t know. How much I want to know. And how much I really just need to dig deep into the Word. Every once and a while I get this desire to really dig deep and I feel like I’m hitting one of those times; a time where I just want to stop and draw close.

This week I’ve read Isaiah 61:1-4 over and over again. Imagine Jesus, in his prime, standing before the temple, picking up a prophesizing scroll and reading:

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all who mourn, to grant those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins, they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.

Now imagine him setting the scroll down and saying, “hey this is me. I am here!” I thought I knew who Jesus was. For some naïve reason I thought, no I assumed, I knew it all. But after reading this and remembering how stressed I’ve been lately, how much regret I have for things I’ve done to the people I love, I realized I don’t. I don’t know Jesus as well as I thought. These verses hit me. This is Jesus in a nutshell. He brings hope, he fixes broken hearts, he sets people free from everything and anything, he comforts, he rebuilds people, and so much more.

For me, these verses, these short four verses were like the Cinci fireworks. I thought I’d read touching verses, I thought I knew “Jesus,” but now I’m again in utter awe. So my challenge for myself is this: to get back into the Word. I want to give my kids more than “church” answers. I want to know more than “church” answers.

What am I doing?!

Here I am, freshly exhausted, yet satisfied from another fantastic summer at Shepherd Community Center, working with kids from 8-3, running wild with all the Campus Crusade scheduled events, and yet I’m still here ready for, what I’m assuming will be, a just as full school year. I spent all last year cramming to finish both my junior and senior year at Utah State University to come back to Indianapolis. Something about the atmosphere, the people, and the family I built, drew me back and it all fell into place—the money, the plans, the work. I loved the utter dependence on God I was forced to have, for without it I don’t think I would have made it through 12-13 hour days running after fighting kids who could care less what kind of authority I “said” I had over them. No, it wouldn’t have been possible. There were times I was so exhausted, my alarm going off made me want to cry, but the good far surpassed those trying times.


My first summer introduced me to a living God who has His hand in every aspect of life, a God who, despite circumstances, shows himself through this Word and, more specifically for me, His people! These past summers I’ve really dug deep into who I am, who I want to be, and what I’m doing for God’s kingdom. Working at day-camps I saw kids who weren’t sure they had meals to go home to, kids whose parents were dependent on drugs or drinking, kids who were so hungry for attention, they’d take the disciplining just the same as a hug. I saw a need and despite my hesitation and doubt as to my abilities to make a difference, I saw so much change in my kids, I knew I wanted to do more.

Both summers I lived with 10-12 other college-aged girls in one house and it was through them I observed a true relationship with God. Don’t get me wrong, we had our issues but every group does. What made them different? They read their Bibles every day, there wasn’t a time I remember coming down the stairs and not seeing someone on the couch deep in their “quiet time”, we were constantly in prayer for whatever came our way, they were inline with God, there was a core that bound us and made us family—Christ.

Why’d I come back? I came back to submerse myself in just that. I came back to be a part of sharing what I had learned with the neighborhoods here. I came back to show these kids consistency and that there are people in this world who aren’t shady, who do love. I graduated with a BS in English, but I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don’t know what lies ahead. But I do know, for now, I belong in the near eastside of Indianapolis. I’m following God’s call in my life and He has placed the inner-city and these kids right, smack dab, in the middle of my heart. I’m on a search for direction; I’m following in faith.