Abiding and 'being'

This past week has been such a learning experiences. And to be honest, my first reaction was to run away from everything. But God has different plans. Last week I was made aware of just how much what we do as individuals, what we condone, what we read, what we watch, really says to the outside world. I guess I had never really taken the time to think about what vibes I'm putting off by reading this book or that. Working in a Christian organization has definitely made me more aware. And I do want to portray things in a more positive manner. I don't want my kids to go by the world's standards. I want them to value love and friendships and know that things in this world are broken and aren't okay for them to do. And people are right, what we watch, say, and read can give off who we are. I guess I've become so much more aware of what I want others to know. But man, is it counter-intuitive.
I went to this young-adult Tuesday-night service at this church this week. The gentleman speaking talked about what it means to abide in God. He talked about having a vine conscious mindset rather than a fruit conscious mindset, and how always being task oriented for example really hinders just being with God and experiencing his presence. I'm definitely a task-oriented person. I have this notebook/checklist I go through everyday. I have it because it's stuff that I feel needs to get done in order for the kids to learn and grow. But what he said really challenged me to stop and think about what I'm doing. I know I've talked about it before, but if God is trying to teach me one thing this year, it is how to just be. How to stop trying to think about the future or even the next moment, but to abide in Him in the here and now. Because how much do I miss with a kid, if I'm always thinking about, well tomorrow we can do this so he can learn this so that eventually we will be there. It just doesn't work that way—especially in ministry. Being in sync with God, things will come that need to be done. One of my hardest challenges is stopping and listening to God. But maybe that's why I don't know where my future is leading me. Maybe that's why I'm being challenged the way I am. Maybe God is saying, hey you know what Brittany...just stop. Be. So this week I'm being intentional.
My students have had standardized testing all week. Which means today, I dictated a listening segment of their exam for 55 minutes...man was my voice gone after that. But during one of the 20 minute breaks, one of my students found out that her brother, who lives in Mexico, had been jumped and beat-up pretty badly. She tried to hold it together, but she broke down. She cried. I walked her into the hallway and just held her in this hug. I didn't have the words to say. She told me how much she missed him and how she just wants her family to be all together. She hasn't seen him in a year. It just broke my heart. But in that moment I realized, hey, maybe this is what 'being' is. Maybe it's just taking the time to stop and observe the things going on around me. Being able to just hold people and listen to their hurts. Maybe me caring, having my heart break too will show them God. But most of all, God showed himself to me. He was in that moment, like all moments. I read Psalm 23 tonight and just basked in the idea that God not only loves us, but saves us, protects us, and comforts us.

Brief update

Things are officially moving forward. I applied to Indiana Wesleyan University's Transition to Teach program today as well as the Praxis II exam--got to love those standardized tests. But overall, I'm really excited to learn more about what I'm doing. I've kind of felt like I'm in this limbo this past year, trying to get a handle on this teaching thing on my own...it'll be good to get some much-needed instruction. I'm so desperate that, not only do I find myself reading teaching books, but I also asked if I could sit in on some middle-school or high-school English class to observe. I don't know if it is a pride issue or not, but I really just want to do better. I don't know, lately I've felt a bit defeated, especially when lessons don't go over the greatest in the classroom--just this feeling of, I know I can do so much better. Hopefully this helps.

As for work, nothing too exciting is going on. I've started a student blog with some of my 8th grade students. It was so fun to see them get excited about being able to share their opinions and views on different issues. We all sat around a computer this morning and chose a template. I made them write their first post as sort of an introduction to who they, as a group are, and what they want to accomplish with their blog. It was funny to see them start writing with the intention of being "beasty" and then realize they wanted to be taken seriously, then changing it. It's a week-long project. It's my hope to just get them writing and thinking critically about issues. They already want to talk about issues like immigration, well that mixed with music and movies of course :) If you're interested...the address is: http://voicesfromus.wordpress.com. I'm not sure how well it will turn out, but it's definitely something fun to try.

Spring fever hits

Spring fever has definitely hit my middle school bunch. It seems as though everything that we've been doing, routines and otherwise, have gone out the window and are now just not working. But yesterday, I had enough. I decided to totally revamp one of my two 7th grade classes. We now have new class rules and a whole new schedule. It was pretty drastic, but so needed! Today was the first day of this new schedule and it worked like a charm. The kids huffed a little bit, but overall it was a success. You know it's bad when one of your students comes up after a bad class and says, “You know what Miss Campbell, just be mean. Don't be nice, we're out of control.” So thanks to my 7th grade helper, we changed things up.

I think it's just gotten to the point where they're really comfortable. Don't get me wrong, comfort is a good thing, but not when they feel like there is no structure and they can do whatever they want. I guess these kind of times are really stretching me as a teacher. I'm having to adjust and react accordingly. They say the first year of teaching is the hardest...well, they're right. I have a whole notebook full of things I want to implement next year. I'm excited for another year and another chance to see what God can do through me.

I've been fighting, and still kind of am fighting this whole becoming a teacher thing. I guess for so long, I've been so against it that old habits do in fact, die hard. I have a lot of stereotypes in my head and I just need to realize teaching isn't what I've always imagined it would be. I'm getting an opportunity to help shape people's lives—a chance to form lasting and enduring relationships.

One of my 7th grade girls has been really struggling lately with life in general. I feel so possessive and connected to them that seeing her struggle hurts me. I don't even know what's going on exactly, but the little I do know, I just want to fix. It's a hard lesson to learn, that I can't just come in and fix their lives because I care. It's hard to watch people I care about go through some pretty crappy things. But I guess it put's me in my place—I don't really have control of anything. It's a constant reminder that God is the one who is in charge and in control of my life. I fight so hard, just like I've been fighting against this teaching thing, to do things myself. When will I learn? I guess it comes with many upon many failures.