Just like every other...

So during the holidays shepherd community center transforms into a huge Christmas store for the program kids' parents to come and Christmas shop for them. So over the past three days loads and loads of boxes filled with donated toys and games were lugged in and sorted. Rooms were filled from floor to ceiling with gift options. The rooms were divides by age and gender and volunteers came from across the city to help. Each family got a time to come in to shop. They were matched with volunteers who came in to take them around to he rooms to shop. Each child got a big gift, a big game, small game, underwear, socks, hats, gloves, two small toys, two stuffed animals, and a book, all of which they get wrapped and carries to their car. It really is an amazing thing. I helped the families shop and I was able to see the parents get excited for what they were now able to get for their kids. I'm honestly so excited for my kids to open their stuff. Before today, it kind of made me sad to think about Christmas for them. I remember how special Christmas was for me growing up and even though the season isn't about gifts, it's so special for a kid to get surprised with somehow new, and before today I wasn't sure they were going to get anything. The other day a volunteer group brought gifts for my after school kids and they absolutely flipped...they were so excited and thrilled for one little toy! It makes me so happy to think about their faces on Christmas now!

I am honestly impressed by the quality of the store shepherd has created. Thugs like iPods and other huge name brand things were brought in! One of my supervisors once told us that they had advertised for donations and mentioned things like electronics and nice things...and he said they asked why kids from poverty need thing like that. The answer? These kids are just like any other kid and they deserve fun and happiness too! Today I got to see that happen!

Blurred lines?

My roommates and I took two of my eighth grade girls to see the new Disney movie Tangled tonight. And I will admit, it was fun! The girls had asked one day after class if I was allowed to go out with them outside of school...they said they already asked their moms and they'd sign a permission slip if needed but that they really wanted to go see this movie. Honestly, the rules are a but fuzzy for me too but I covered my bases and told em yes. So after a long day at work with lots of stress but a very good Christmas program done by my after school kids...we picked each of them up, went out to mcdonalds, and then the movies. I struggle with the friend/teacher boundary especially within this ministry. I know how important it is to have respect but I also have learned it doesn't matter how much respect you have...they need to know you care before they truly start listening. So I took this risk knowing very well it could blow up in my face tomorrow. But for the time being it was fun to joke around and be real with them. It was so crazy to see just how much they really are kids despite the grown-up front they put on all the time. They enjoyed the movie and joked about it after all giggly and everything. I will admit I wouldn't have taken just any kid out but these girls have a great respect as well as friends line. I know tomorrow morning they will be in class on time, homework done, and ready to work all the while calling me Miss Campbell. So for now this is ministry to me...I may be blurring some lines but in the long run who knows, it could make a difference.

What makes it worth it

This evening I had one of the most memorable moments in my life. Amongst the chaos of kids losing book bags, tuna surprise dinner, and every other challenge which encompasses a typical Tuesday...one of my boys, a boy I have grown to love and care for, as well as occasionally want to hang by his toes in frustration, accepted Christ. He has always been one of those kids who just knew the right "Bible" answers but today he really got it. A light bulb went on :) our children's pastor at my after-school program site gave a Bible lesson and afterwards encouraged the kids to ask questions if they had them and he did. I almost cried when he told me! He got a huge hug. When his mom came in and he told her his news she instantly started crying. Now this is a woman I've come to admire. She loves these boys and she loves God with all she has! There's not a day that goes by that she doesn't come in to pick up her boys sharing just how good God is and how much she owes to him. And today I saw her love even more! She cried and gave all of us staff huge hugs of joy and thanks. And it was then that she said she has been praying so hard for her boys to know Christ and that is what we are there for...to show those kids Christ's love! I will never forget this night. This is why I do what I do! Today I got a little brother! And I love him very much!

I didn't ask--He is good!

So we officially have two weeks left with the kids before holiday break and therefore, two weeks left of the semester. Thinking back, the first thoughts I have about this semester all relate to the idea that dang, it has been a rough start to the year. I say all this with a side note attached saying that I am so thankful for my internship and for what God is doing with me thus far. However, the struggles I’ve faced, physically, spiritually, and emotionally I would never have predicted, let alone desire to go through. I started off my second time at Shepherd hit in the face with disappointment, not in my job, but in the fact that things weren’t exactly the same as they were when I came here my first summer. And for some reason, I had that notion in my head that it would be, people and all. This same feeling progressed as I started to learn a little bit more about myself and how I work, recharge from a crazy day, or even find hope in my week. Who knew being around people all the time can drain a person. I found myself thinking about what I do and wanting so much, to not get stuck in routine but to actually be getting something out of what I’m doing here. I started this internship with the hope that God would give me direction in my life. Where am I going next? What does He want me to do? And I think lately I’ve been so busy focusing on that idea that I’m missing what God is actually doing with me here—right now. I was reminded of this yesterday after my weekly Bible study when bam, God answered a prayer I hadn’t even necessarily given over to Him, but in fact harbored for myself. It’s amazing to think that even despite my own stubbornness and lack of communication with Him, He still manages to pull through.

I have a lot of stress in my job—to make it blunt. I found myself teaching subjects I never would have imagined I would be teaching. I have been struggling, thinking I’m not even qualified to be in the position I’m in. I teach math, geography, and health (as well as English, but I’m more comfortable with that one). It’s so out of my element that I find myself having to do the homework too or I’ve been googling terms and concepts before class starts and I have to teach it. I’ve always been an organized person. I like to plan things out and know, in advance, what I’m going to do, how it’s going to work, and so on. And with this job, I feel like I’m having to do the opposite. Flexibility and working on-the-fly have become, as much as I resist, second-nature. I feel bad admitting to this, but it’s gotten so bad that I know I’m not giving 100% in preparation or even execution of lesson plans. I feel like I’m getting burned out somewhat, not to the extreme of never seeing or working with kids again, but to the point where I just need a refreshing time to brainstorm, plan, and just relax.

This is where God met me.

With all this stress for this semester, I’ve started to fill it even more thinking about next semester. Knowing what I’ve had to deal with so far, how it’s made me feel, how tired I am all the time, etc, I feel so much weight for next semester. And it’s even harder thinking that my best friend has to go back to school to finish her year off. But…God is good. I found out yesterday a lot of things are going to change. I’m not going to be required to teach anything but English. One of my great friends is coming along side of me on staff to create this super supportive team to combat these middle schoolers and their apathy. I’ve been shown that I’m not alone, that I don’t have to carry everything on my shoulders. For the first time in a few months, I am excited about the logistics of my job. Again, I don’t want it to sound like I hate my job, I don’t. In fact I love my kids more than anything and they’re the ones pushing me through, but now I’m actually into the idea of being a teacher. I have so many ideas that I feel like I can now pull off because I’ve been given some relief and support. Working with the middle school kids has really opened my eyes to how they see the world and more specifically learning and school. I don’t want them to just see it as busy work, which is sadly what we’ve been doing. I want them to see a connection to the world and their life. And I’m hoping, I have this great feeling, this is going to happen.

Psalm 91: 10-12, 14—Evil can’t get close to you, harm can’t get through the door. He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling.

“If you hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.”

Again, I’m still learning this simple step—to know and trust Him. He is so patient with me and I am so grateful for His love and looking out.