So we officially have two weeks left with the kids before holiday break and therefore, two weeks left of the semester. Thinking back, the first thoughts I have about this semester all relate to the idea that dang, it has been a rough start to the year. I say all this with a side note attached saying that I am so thankful for my internship and for what God is doing with me thus far. However, the struggles I’ve faced, physically, spiritually, and emotionally I would never have predicted, let alone desire to go through. I started off my second time at Shepherd hit in the face with disappointment, not in my job, but in the fact that things weren’t exactly the same as they were when I came here my first summer. And for some reason, I had that notion in my head that it would be, people and all. This same feeling progressed as I started to learn a little bit more about myself and how I work, recharge from a crazy day, or even find hope in my week. Who knew being around people all the time can drain a person. I found myself thinking about what I do and wanting so much, to not get stuck in routine but to actually be getting something out of what I’m doing here. I started this internship with the hope that God would give me direction in my life. Where am I going next? What does He want me to do? And I think lately I’ve been so busy focusing on that idea that I’m missing what God is actually doing with me here—right now. I was reminded of this yesterday after my weekly Bible study when bam, God answered a prayer I hadn’t even necessarily given over to Him, but in fact harbored for myself. It’s amazing to think that even despite my own stubbornness and lack of communication with Him, He still manages to pull through.
I have a lot of stress in my job—to make it blunt. I found myself teaching subjects I never would have imagined I would be teaching. I have been struggling, thinking I’m not even qualified to be in the position I’m in. I teach math, geography, and health (as well as English, but I’m more comfortable with that one). It’s so out of my element that I find myself having to do the homework too or I’ve been googling terms and concepts before class starts and I have to teach it. I’ve always been an organized person. I like to plan things out and know, in advance, what I’m going to do, how it’s going to work, and so on. And with this job, I feel like I’m having to do the opposite. Flexibility and working on-the-fly have become, as much as I resist, second-nature. I feel bad admitting to this, but it’s gotten so bad that I know I’m not giving 100% in preparation or even execution of lesson plans. I feel like I’m getting burned out somewhat, not to the extreme of never seeing or working with kids again, but to the point where I just need a refreshing time to brainstorm, plan, and just relax.
This is where God met me.
With all this stress for this semester, I’ve started to fill it even more thinking about next semester. Knowing what I’ve had to deal with so far, how it’s made me feel, how tired I am all the time, etc, I feel so much weight for next semester. And it’s even harder thinking that my best friend has to go back to school to finish her year off. But…God is good. I found out yesterday a lot of things are going to change. I’m not going to be required to teach anything but English. One of my great friends is coming along side of me on staff to create this super supportive team to combat these middle schoolers and their apathy. I’ve been shown that I’m not alone, that I don’t have to carry everything on my shoulders. For the first time in a few months, I am excited about the logistics of my job. Again, I don’t want it to sound like I hate my job, I don’t. In fact I love my kids more than anything and they’re the ones pushing me through, but now I’m actually into the idea of being a teacher. I have so many ideas that I feel like I can now pull off because I’ve been given some relief and support. Working with the middle school kids has really opened my eyes to how they see the world and more specifically learning and school. I don’t want them to just see it as busy work, which is sadly what we’ve been doing. I want them to see a connection to the world and their life. And I’m hoping, I have this great feeling, this is going to happen.
Psalm 91: 10-12, 14—Evil can’t get close to you, harm can’t get through the door. He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling.
“If you hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.”
Again, I’m still learning this simple step—to know and trust Him. He is so patient with me and I am so grateful for His love and looking out.
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