Learning to handle fears

We finally finished our first book in my 7^th grade English class. When I say finally, I really mean finally! I never thought this day would come. And this is not for lack of work or anything like that, just for some reason it has taken us forever to get through it. Well instead of a final test, and inspired by a cheating streak in my lovely class, I made them do individual projects based on what they found interesting in the novel. They all picked a subject and researched on it in order to give a 2-minute presentation to the class. And I’m honestly impressed by their work on them. They’re all doing something different. I required them to find a topic, find enough informational facts that they find interesting to present to the class so we too can learn more, as well as make a visual of their choice. A lot of them are doing posters, powerpoints, or models of some sort. Tomorrow will be our first presentation day, and to my surprise, I think I’ll be impressed by the amount of effort these kids have put into their work. Honestly I’ve been discouraged lately by my observation of cheating on a number of assignments as well as just talk about not caring or how class is boring or not relevant. I personally try really hard to make it something of interest for them. Since I’m not fully educated in education and the proper way to teach, the least I can do is make class somewhat fun and interesting. I feel like I am growing as a teacher but its also teaching me so much about who I want to be.

Within the past few days I’ve had those “ah ha” moments. You know the ones that make you think, “heck no I know that’s not ok and I’m not going to accept it.” Just thinks like blatant disrespect and defiance toward adults have really made me realize my purpose in being here. This kid in my class, over the past week had become unbelievably defiant and rude. He walked into class today, sat down, told me he wasn’t going to do his work, kicked back in his chair, mocked me, and said I had no hold on him. That right there can really kick a person in the stomach. No, don’t worry, I didn’t just leave that one alone. I escorted him out and we discussed respect and boundaries and the rules I have for living in general, but I was just utterly shocked I would ever hear a person talk to another person like that. Which I know don’t seem to go together. But the more I see how these kids think, the more I realize why this ministry calls to me so much. It’s amazing for me to see the logic these kids have. And yes, I don’t agree, but I do see where they are coming from, their ways of thinking aren’t just from left field. If education has never done anything for anyone you know then why would you all of a sudden think it’s the most valuable thing in the world?! And I’m not saying that I know what’s best, not the more I learn the more I realize I don’t know as much as I think. But I do love the opportunity to enlighten these kids with things I too am just learning.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my passions and what not recently. Someone asked me what my values and passions were the other day and I couldn’t answer. I had to stop and think, and even then, I had to take out a pen and paper and mull over some things. But after a lot of consideration and really looking at what I feel my purpose is, I’ve come to some sort of conclusion. I know what I like. I know I want to help others, help society, have a sense of achievement, have an opportunity to use some sort of creativity, and to work for a good cause. I know I value time to grow spiritually. And I know I’m called to work in a big city. This doesn’t give me much direction to go on I know, but it does give me some sort of direction, or I at least know what I don’t want to do.

But I also know I have a lot of fears, not just about the future, but about failing with these kids or about not knowing how to help or what to do. But the cool thing is I’m learning to handle that fear.

Ps. 25:4—Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.