Reflecting after frustration

These past two weeks have definitely been a blur! Let’s just say I’m tired of being in a car and am envying those who profess ‘home-body-iness’. Two weekends ago, a few friends and I went to Kansas to visit some fellow summer project-ers from this past summer. Although it was about an eight-hour drive, it was so good to see people and reconnect. I will admit that this summer was a lot different than I anticipated and at points, I found myself comparing to the summer prior, which didn’t always do me any good but in fact hindered some bonding and other experiences. But despite those hurdles, I do think I managed to connect to a hand full of people who genuinely make me happy and excited to be around. We got to watch How to Train your Dragon, undebatably one of the best movies ever. We got a campus tour of Kansas State, which was a beautiful campus! We ate at some local places, which were fun, and always make me feel local J But then, a highlight, we went to Pillsbury Crossing, which was a this small-scale water falls/creek/river/out of doors experience. We walked barefoot across rocks, played in the water, and sat and just talked. One of the guys we went to see caught us up on his life. It was so cool to hear how passionate he is about things in his life. He sees this need in his community and he wants to make it happen, only he doesn’t know how to start, which is always the issue I think. So we talked some stuff out, but just hearing about his heart and whatnot really inspired me. I want to find an area of need and run with some ideas. So since then, I too have been coming up with a list of my own. After we left that Sunday, he said he didn’t realize how much he missed everyone from the summer and just how much he got from the summer experience. For me that put things into perspective. I definitely learned things this summer, don’t get me wrong, but for me it was more so challenging than anything else. It was great for me to see that for some people, God was able to move and do great things for them in experiences I personally was tried in as well.

This past weekend we went to various colleges to recruit new summer interns for this coming up summer. My group of three went to Cincinnati Christian University and then Mt. Vernon Nazarene University. This trip totaled sevenish hours in a car and over 500 miles. It was definitely trying on a person. Recruiting, I wouldn’t say, is something I find joy in. I’ve always thought it difficult to sale someone something. And although I’ve had experience with the internship and what not, it was still not exactly easy. But we were able to get a good number of people interested in receiving more information about the opportunities here at Shepherd. At Mt. Vernon we had the chance to share a story that we had from either the summer or the year so far. Lately, I’m going to be honest, work has frustrated me in more ways than I knew were possible. Whether its logistics, or discipline, or even just the multitude of meetings, I’ve become somewhat irritated. I’ve definitely had to devote a lot of time to God to fix my attitude and work on my heart and this was definitely him telling me to look at what he has done. When asked to share a story all I could think about was this one boy I’ve had for two years now. He’s one that has for sure, been a challenge every single day, but I love him none the less. At camp this summer I had the privilege of having this young man in my class…and every day we had to go out in the hallway and have a chat about how to react to certain situations when we get angry and what is appropriate and what isn’t. Every day we talked about how it doesn’t matter what other people think of us, the only thing that matters is what we think of ourselves and what God thinks of us. Some days I felt like I wasn’t getting through. I’d sit there holding his fists so he wouldn’t bruise them on the walls and other days he’d sit up, stop crying, and before I even asked him, he’d tell me that all that mattered was what God thought and that he shouldn’t have reacted that way. Everyday was an adventure. Well one day we took the kids to this camp where they got to do zip lines and rock walls and what not. Well my little friend wasn’t in my assigned group that week and he had a hard time. One day his leader came to me crying about how to handle him and that he wouldn’t listen and when she tried to discipline him he didn’t respond and he ran from her. After comforting her and just explaining his circumstance I went to find him. He was huddled under the coat rack, as mad as could be. I sat beside him and started asking questions. In that next fifteen minutes I learned more about his past than I had in the two years of working with him and everything, all of our interactions and the way he responded began to make sense. He told me about how he was in foster care and then adopted because his mom abused him. He told me about how every time he hears an adult yell at him he thinks of her. He told me how she makes him so angry but he knew deep down he could never do anything about it because it was his mom, and moms had the last say in things. He told me that instead of listening he couldn’t, he just got angry and couldn’t control his actions. He was scared, he didn’t want to think of his mom, but the yelling always brought her back into his head. Looking at him I just leaned over and gave him a hug. I know I’d been guilty as I’m sure his leader was of raising my voice to him. I had not idea what that did to him. But looking back, it all made sense. I told him I loved him. I told him that God loved him. And I told him that he was safe where he was.

After sharing this story and looking back on my experiences at Shepherd, all the frustration went away. I didn’t see the irritating little things but instead the work and relationships God was doing through me and for the kids. This is what the internship is all about and it took driving 500 miles and becoming a bit irritated to make me reflect and realize this.

Learning to handle fears

We finally finished our first book in my 7^th grade English class. When I say finally, I really mean finally! I never thought this day would come. And this is not for lack of work or anything like that, just for some reason it has taken us forever to get through it. Well instead of a final test, and inspired by a cheating streak in my lovely class, I made them do individual projects based on what they found interesting in the novel. They all picked a subject and researched on it in order to give a 2-minute presentation to the class. And I’m honestly impressed by their work on them. They’re all doing something different. I required them to find a topic, find enough informational facts that they find interesting to present to the class so we too can learn more, as well as make a visual of their choice. A lot of them are doing posters, powerpoints, or models of some sort. Tomorrow will be our first presentation day, and to my surprise, I think I’ll be impressed by the amount of effort these kids have put into their work. Honestly I’ve been discouraged lately by my observation of cheating on a number of assignments as well as just talk about not caring or how class is boring or not relevant. I personally try really hard to make it something of interest for them. Since I’m not fully educated in education and the proper way to teach, the least I can do is make class somewhat fun and interesting. I feel like I am growing as a teacher but its also teaching me so much about who I want to be.

Within the past few days I’ve had those “ah ha” moments. You know the ones that make you think, “heck no I know that’s not ok and I’m not going to accept it.” Just thinks like blatant disrespect and defiance toward adults have really made me realize my purpose in being here. This kid in my class, over the past week had become unbelievably defiant and rude. He walked into class today, sat down, told me he wasn’t going to do his work, kicked back in his chair, mocked me, and said I had no hold on him. That right there can really kick a person in the stomach. No, don’t worry, I didn’t just leave that one alone. I escorted him out and we discussed respect and boundaries and the rules I have for living in general, but I was just utterly shocked I would ever hear a person talk to another person like that. Which I know don’t seem to go together. But the more I see how these kids think, the more I realize why this ministry calls to me so much. It’s amazing for me to see the logic these kids have. And yes, I don’t agree, but I do see where they are coming from, their ways of thinking aren’t just from left field. If education has never done anything for anyone you know then why would you all of a sudden think it’s the most valuable thing in the world?! And I’m not saying that I know what’s best, not the more I learn the more I realize I don’t know as much as I think. But I do love the opportunity to enlighten these kids with things I too am just learning.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my passions and what not recently. Someone asked me what my values and passions were the other day and I couldn’t answer. I had to stop and think, and even then, I had to take out a pen and paper and mull over some things. But after a lot of consideration and really looking at what I feel my purpose is, I’ve come to some sort of conclusion. I know what I like. I know I want to help others, help society, have a sense of achievement, have an opportunity to use some sort of creativity, and to work for a good cause. I know I value time to grow spiritually. And I know I’m called to work in a big city. This doesn’t give me much direction to go on I know, but it does give me some sort of direction, or I at least know what I don’t want to do.

But I also know I have a lot of fears, not just about the future, but about failing with these kids or about not knowing how to help or what to do. But the cool thing is I’m learning to handle that fear.

Ps. 25:4—Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.