Abiding and 'being'

This past week has been such a learning experiences. And to be honest, my first reaction was to run away from everything. But God has different plans. Last week I was made aware of just how much what we do as individuals, what we condone, what we read, what we watch, really says to the outside world. I guess I had never really taken the time to think about what vibes I'm putting off by reading this book or that. Working in a Christian organization has definitely made me more aware. And I do want to portray things in a more positive manner. I don't want my kids to go by the world's standards. I want them to value love and friendships and know that things in this world are broken and aren't okay for them to do. And people are right, what we watch, say, and read can give off who we are. I guess I've become so much more aware of what I want others to know. But man, is it counter-intuitive.
I went to this young-adult Tuesday-night service at this church this week. The gentleman speaking talked about what it means to abide in God. He talked about having a vine conscious mindset rather than a fruit conscious mindset, and how always being task oriented for example really hinders just being with God and experiencing his presence. I'm definitely a task-oriented person. I have this notebook/checklist I go through everyday. I have it because it's stuff that I feel needs to get done in order for the kids to learn and grow. But what he said really challenged me to stop and think about what I'm doing. I know I've talked about it before, but if God is trying to teach me one thing this year, it is how to just be. How to stop trying to think about the future or even the next moment, but to abide in Him in the here and now. Because how much do I miss with a kid, if I'm always thinking about, well tomorrow we can do this so he can learn this so that eventually we will be there. It just doesn't work that way—especially in ministry. Being in sync with God, things will come that need to be done. One of my hardest challenges is stopping and listening to God. But maybe that's why I don't know where my future is leading me. Maybe that's why I'm being challenged the way I am. Maybe God is saying, hey you know what Brittany...just stop. Be. So this week I'm being intentional.
My students have had standardized testing all week. Which means today, I dictated a listening segment of their exam for 55 minutes...man was my voice gone after that. But during one of the 20 minute breaks, one of my students found out that her brother, who lives in Mexico, had been jumped and beat-up pretty badly. She tried to hold it together, but she broke down. She cried. I walked her into the hallway and just held her in this hug. I didn't have the words to say. She told me how much she missed him and how she just wants her family to be all together. She hasn't seen him in a year. It just broke my heart. But in that moment I realized, hey, maybe this is what 'being' is. Maybe it's just taking the time to stop and observe the things going on around me. Being able to just hold people and listen to their hurts. Maybe me caring, having my heart break too will show them God. But most of all, God showed himself to me. He was in that moment, like all moments. I read Psalm 23 tonight and just basked in the idea that God not only loves us, but saves us, protects us, and comforts us.