Abiding and 'being'

This past week has been such a learning experiences. And to be honest, my first reaction was to run away from everything. But God has different plans. Last week I was made aware of just how much what we do as individuals, what we condone, what we read, what we watch, really says to the outside world. I guess I had never really taken the time to think about what vibes I'm putting off by reading this book or that. Working in a Christian organization has definitely made me more aware. And I do want to portray things in a more positive manner. I don't want my kids to go by the world's standards. I want them to value love and friendships and know that things in this world are broken and aren't okay for them to do. And people are right, what we watch, say, and read can give off who we are. I guess I've become so much more aware of what I want others to know. But man, is it counter-intuitive.
I went to this young-adult Tuesday-night service at this church this week. The gentleman speaking talked about what it means to abide in God. He talked about having a vine conscious mindset rather than a fruit conscious mindset, and how always being task oriented for example really hinders just being with God and experiencing his presence. I'm definitely a task-oriented person. I have this notebook/checklist I go through everyday. I have it because it's stuff that I feel needs to get done in order for the kids to learn and grow. But what he said really challenged me to stop and think about what I'm doing. I know I've talked about it before, but if God is trying to teach me one thing this year, it is how to just be. How to stop trying to think about the future or even the next moment, but to abide in Him in the here and now. Because how much do I miss with a kid, if I'm always thinking about, well tomorrow we can do this so he can learn this so that eventually we will be there. It just doesn't work that way—especially in ministry. Being in sync with God, things will come that need to be done. One of my hardest challenges is stopping and listening to God. But maybe that's why I don't know where my future is leading me. Maybe that's why I'm being challenged the way I am. Maybe God is saying, hey you know what Brittany...just stop. Be. So this week I'm being intentional.
My students have had standardized testing all week. Which means today, I dictated a listening segment of their exam for 55 minutes...man was my voice gone after that. But during one of the 20 minute breaks, one of my students found out that her brother, who lives in Mexico, had been jumped and beat-up pretty badly. She tried to hold it together, but she broke down. She cried. I walked her into the hallway and just held her in this hug. I didn't have the words to say. She told me how much she missed him and how she just wants her family to be all together. She hasn't seen him in a year. It just broke my heart. But in that moment I realized, hey, maybe this is what 'being' is. Maybe it's just taking the time to stop and observe the things going on around me. Being able to just hold people and listen to their hurts. Maybe me caring, having my heart break too will show them God. But most of all, God showed himself to me. He was in that moment, like all moments. I read Psalm 23 tonight and just basked in the idea that God not only loves us, but saves us, protects us, and comforts us.

Brief update

Things are officially moving forward. I applied to Indiana Wesleyan University's Transition to Teach program today as well as the Praxis II exam--got to love those standardized tests. But overall, I'm really excited to learn more about what I'm doing. I've kind of felt like I'm in this limbo this past year, trying to get a handle on this teaching thing on my own...it'll be good to get some much-needed instruction. I'm so desperate that, not only do I find myself reading teaching books, but I also asked if I could sit in on some middle-school or high-school English class to observe. I don't know if it is a pride issue or not, but I really just want to do better. I don't know, lately I've felt a bit defeated, especially when lessons don't go over the greatest in the classroom--just this feeling of, I know I can do so much better. Hopefully this helps.

As for work, nothing too exciting is going on. I've started a student blog with some of my 8th grade students. It was so fun to see them get excited about being able to share their opinions and views on different issues. We all sat around a computer this morning and chose a template. I made them write their first post as sort of an introduction to who they, as a group are, and what they want to accomplish with their blog. It was funny to see them start writing with the intention of being "beasty" and then realize they wanted to be taken seriously, then changing it. It's a week-long project. It's my hope to just get them writing and thinking critically about issues. They already want to talk about issues like immigration, well that mixed with music and movies of course :) If you're interested...the address is: http://voicesfromus.wordpress.com. I'm not sure how well it will turn out, but it's definitely something fun to try.

Spring fever hits

Spring fever has definitely hit my middle school bunch. It seems as though everything that we've been doing, routines and otherwise, have gone out the window and are now just not working. But yesterday, I had enough. I decided to totally revamp one of my two 7th grade classes. We now have new class rules and a whole new schedule. It was pretty drastic, but so needed! Today was the first day of this new schedule and it worked like a charm. The kids huffed a little bit, but overall it was a success. You know it's bad when one of your students comes up after a bad class and says, “You know what Miss Campbell, just be mean. Don't be nice, we're out of control.” So thanks to my 7th grade helper, we changed things up.

I think it's just gotten to the point where they're really comfortable. Don't get me wrong, comfort is a good thing, but not when they feel like there is no structure and they can do whatever they want. I guess these kind of times are really stretching me as a teacher. I'm having to adjust and react accordingly. They say the first year of teaching is the hardest...well, they're right. I have a whole notebook full of things I want to implement next year. I'm excited for another year and another chance to see what God can do through me.

I've been fighting, and still kind of am fighting this whole becoming a teacher thing. I guess for so long, I've been so against it that old habits do in fact, die hard. I have a lot of stereotypes in my head and I just need to realize teaching isn't what I've always imagined it would be. I'm getting an opportunity to help shape people's lives—a chance to form lasting and enduring relationships.

One of my 7th grade girls has been really struggling lately with life in general. I feel so possessive and connected to them that seeing her struggle hurts me. I don't even know what's going on exactly, but the little I do know, I just want to fix. It's a hard lesson to learn, that I can't just come in and fix their lives because I care. It's hard to watch people I care about go through some pretty crappy things. But I guess it put's me in my place—I don't really have control of anything. It's a constant reminder that God is the one who is in charge and in control of my life. I fight so hard, just like I've been fighting against this teaching thing, to do things myself. When will I learn? I guess it comes with many upon many failures.

1 Corinthians 4:7

With everything that has happened in the last week God has really been opening my eyes turning my world upside down. Working in the inner city, there is always that risk, the unknown, in that we don't know for sure how much time we have with these kids. And God has just been pushing me to live in the moment. How many times in my day do I say, oh well in a few hours I can go home and watch a movie, or hey this weekend I get to sleep in. The answer, more times than I'd like to admit. And although I love my kids, I miss the little moments with them. It's a constant struggle not to allow my work to become just a job, or just a routine. Because, like I said, we don't know how much time we have.

At church last night, I listened to a sermon on 1 Corinthians 4. The pastor talked about submission to authority and although he was talking specifically about the church submitting to appointed elders and whatnot, his ideas and understandings really spoke to me. We all have authority whether we like to admit it or not. I for one struggle with authority. I don't like being told what to do, in fact, I get all huffy when I am. But God really spoke to me in 1 Corinthians 4:7-"For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?" In my head I see the work I do from my perspective. I see me being the one who is working from 7-7, I see myself being the one exhausted, the one who, as cocky as it is and as prideful, the one who is making the difference for people. And I think that's why last week was so hard on me. I started asking questions like: Am I really making a difference? What could I have done or said differntly to him? Did he know he was loved? Did I do all I could? But God humbled me in saying, you know what Brittany, yeah I'm using you to be in these kids' lives, but I gave that to you. You're not doing anything...I'm the one who is working. I realized I'm not the one in control. I can't make a kid come to know God, I can't change a parent's ways of thinking, I can't control anything. God is that authority and like 1 Corinthians 4:7 said, who am I to think I'm making a difference all on my own.

My little buddy...

How do you react if someone you love is hurt? If someone you love is taken away? If someone you’ve come to see grow and progress, dies? Are you angry? If so, with who? With the person who was responsible—and if that’s the case, then how do you pinpoint that? So many things contribute to a single situation. Do you blame yourself for not being there? For not protecting them? Do you get angry at God?

I’ve asked myself all these things at some point or another during the past couple of days. One of my kids I’ve worked with now for a few years was killed on Sunday night. It was a horrible way to die and even more horrible that he was only seven. I can’t say I’ve had a lot of experience with losing people in my life, but it’s ten times worse when its someone so small, so innocent, so in need of love and protection. I remember growing up, when bad things happened, I used to get mad at the world—I was the one who was wrong, the one who got screwed, why was this happening to me? I still find myself asking these questions every once and a while but I’ve also come to know that God can use my mistakes or my hurt and pain for His glory.

In mourning for the loss of my little buddy, as much as it hurts, as much as I just want to stop crying, stop seeing his little face, stop feeling sorry or guilty, I know deep down, God will use this.

He was such a loving kid. He would follow his brothers, who cared for him like he was there, to the ends of the earth. He loved to color, to dance, and he wanted to be a soccer player. I remember he would come in, run up behind me, and give me the biggest hugs. He was my little buddy and he would be the first one to let anyone know that. “Hey, you, that’s my buddy,” he’d say.

So why’d this happen? What’s wrong with a world who takes away such an innocent life, which has just begun to live? Why is there more news about shootings and killings every day than about people building each other up? Why aren’t kids safe in their homes—safe with the people they love?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I can’t begin to think of a justification for our world—or a reason why people do the things they do. But stuff like this, stuff that cuts deep, that penetrates me soul and every fiber of being—this kind of thing pushes me to work harder. I want to value every minute I have with the kids I’m able to work with. Because, who knows what tomorrow brings? Who knows how much time we have to influence and share love with the ones we have?

To me this just shows how important the work I’m doing really is. It prioritizes me life.

So today I pray for my little buddy’s family. I pray for all of those who have lost someone. I pray that God will use people in their lives to show them His love, to not get discourage or angry. “Let not the needy O Lord be forgotten, nor the hope of many be taken away!”

Progress--one kid at a time

Today was one of those days. My last class of the day, which has proved to be my most challenging was well for lack of another word...challenging. One of my kids who had just gotten in trouble in his previous class, came in fuming. He sat down, and within minutes he was throwing his notebook across the room after someone made a simple joking comment in his direction. Now this hasn't happened in a while, so as shocked as I was, I removed him and told him to cool off. Later, after getting the other kids working on their papers, I took him aside to talk. He told me he didn't understand why he had gotten in trouble, he didn't understand why people kept getting angry at him for being angry, he told me he was tired of all the crap that goes on in his life.

I sat down and tried to explain to him that reacting like that as a result of anger just wasn't okay. I told him he needed to learn to control his anger and react appropriately. After class and after all the kids had left my room, he came back in crying. He asked if we could talk. He sat in front of me, this tough 13-year-old boy, crying. He talked about how it seemed that everyone at school was against him, how he gets in trouble at school and in return even more trouble at home, and how no one really ever takes the time to listen to him when he's angry but instead, gets more angry at him. I let him vent for a while about specific friends, just letting him get it off his chest until I heard him say, “I don't know how to control my anger; I know it's bad, but I don't know what to do.” I stopped him and asked him if he wanted to learn. And he said yes. We talked for 15-20 minutes about how we can't control anyone but ourselves—if we want to change, we have to make that choice. I reaffirmed him in that he wasn't a bad kid, everyone get's angry, but it's about how we react and where we go from that anger that defines us as a person. I let him cool off for a bit more and before he left he sincerely thanked me saying, “no one really listens, thank you Miss Campbell.” It touched my heart.

This is one of those kids I anticipate and prepare myself for before class. I expect drama and attitude and to be honest, that's what I get. But today was a break-through day. He talked about his emotions and he just got stuff off his chest. I'm so grateful he trusts me enough to do this, I just hope I'll be able to help him grow. He, like so many others, have my heart. I cringe when I think about the home lives or the things they go through. But I'm so proud when something like this happens. This is God.

One thing I struggle with the most

I went to a mega church today in Cincinnati, and surprisingly I was intrigued with both the message and the tons of people/soda/and coffee, all of which was for free. The guy who gave the sermon talked about walking with the Spirit and what that means. There was a point in the sermon where he lead us in individual prayer. He prompted us to close our eyes and think about the Spirit as we get up in the mornings, as we go to work, as we get home, and in all that we do. But before we even started all of this he said something I haven't heard before. He said when we pray it's ok for your mind to wonder—sometimes that's just the Spirit leading you to thoughts you should think about. And maybe he had a point. As I prayed and thought through my routine of a day, one thing kept coming back into my head. Worry. I'm not saying all the time, but a lot of the time, I live my life for tomorrow. I look forward to or worry about what's coming tomorrow, or next week, or come May. As I sat in that dark auditorium, I started to think about my future yes, but about today more than anything. What good is a future, if you're not living for today.

One thing people always say about working here is that these kids and this culture knows how to do just that—live in the moment. God doesn't call us to worry. In fact, Francis Chan will be forever engrained in my mind when he said that worrying just says to God that I think I'm bigger than Him—that I think I can handle, and have the power to affect things in my life. But that's just it, I'm don't. No matter how hard I try to control things, or no matter how hard I worry, nothing stops. Time keeps going and God keeps working.

I didn't really come to any conclusions sitting in that auditorium today, but it did make me think. God's pushing me to let go. To let Him do His thing. He's pushing me to live in the here and now and to leave everything else up to Him. Even writing this is hard for me to take in, but I know that my mind didn't wonder on purpose this morning.

Matthew 6:30—But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown in the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious...